Beyond the biological: an investigation into LGBTQ+ parents and surrogacy

Michael Johnson-Ellis, 45

My Surrogacy Journey

Michael Johnson-Ellis and his husband Wes founded My Surrogacy Journey, a UK-based nonprofit offering tailored guidance for intended parents in 2021. The organisation evolved following their difficulties during the birth of their daughter, Tallulah, in 2016.

Michael recalled growing up in the 1990s when the idea of being a gay dad felt impossible. “Those two things did not align back then.” Consequently, aged 20, he married a woman, largely because he wanted children. After coming out and meeting Wes, 47, who already had a child, the couple began an independent surrogacy journey. Michael recalled: “Knowing what a minefield it was, we began researching surrogacy after six-months together.”

At the time, only three surrogacy agencies existed in the UK: Surrogacy UK, COTS, and Brilliant Beginnings. This required extensive research including finding their own surrogate, egg donor, and legal assistance.

Without official support they joined online surrogacy forums which exposed them to toxic environments. “Some surrogates named fees to carry pregnancies, exploiting the vulnerability of LGBTQ+ individuals,” explained Michael. The couple eventually connected with Caroline, who would carry their child. “We spent nine months getting to know her, we met her husband and four children and formed a close bond.” He admitted this made their surrogacy journey a lot less intimidating, but the legal process remained arduous.

UK surrogacy law currently recognises the surrogate and her spouse as the initial parents to the child, meaning it necessary for a parental order to transfer legal status to the intended parents. This added uncertainty to Michael and Wes’ journey, as Tallulah finally became legally theirs only after six months.

“A common misconception is that the surrogate might want to keep the baby, but most surrogates have children of their own and do not want to keep the intended parents' child,” said Michael.  “Feeling daunted by the surrogacy process can be a red flag. When surrogacy does go wrong, I think it is because the relationship is not as tight as it could be between surrogate and intended parents.”

Beyond legal issues, surrogacy can bring unexpected emotional challenges. Michael described the experience of being a non-biological parent to their second child, Duke, in 2019. “No one prepared me for how I was going to feel. I felt like I had to overcompensate with him, I felt guilty for having another child.”

Despite initial doubts, his bond with Duke grew, highlighting the importance of emotional preparation for LGBTQ+ couples navigating surrogacy.

Michael faced institutional challenges, from fertility clinics that assumed they were heterosexual parents. “We had to keep scribbling out that I was not a woman, and that Wes was not my wife,” he said, adding that healthcare professionals repeatedly mislabelled Caroline as ‘mum’ during their 12-week scan. “UK surrogates prefer not to be called surrogate mothers.”

Michael remembered his experience in the andrology room, with only heterosexual porn magazines available: “I was just like oh my goodness, this is not helpful!  I remember coming out and asking for the WIFI code. It was so embarrassing.” Like Caroline, Michael faced labels he felt uncomfortable with. ‘Real dad’ was used in various contexts, this deepened feelings of otherness for the non-genetic parent.

These experiences prompted the couple to advocate for change, successfully drafting surrogacy guidelines which have since been adopted by 90 NHS trusts, later developed for the Department of Health and Social Care. As Michael said: “this was just the beginning,” highlighting that My Surrogacy Journey fills a gap in available surrogacy resources. With a team of 52 members operating legally in the USA, UK, and Mexico City, their nonprofit now supports a diverse surrogacy community, providing matching services and emotional guidance to intended parents.

Paul Morgan-Bentley, 39

Author of The Equal Parent

When award winning journalist and author Paul Morgan-Bentley and his husband Robin began their surrogacy journey, they were sceptical. “You just assume it is something that celebrities do in America, costing hundreds of thousands of pounds, and never that you would form a relationship with the woman who helped you create a family.” Yet, through careful research and building genuine connections, their scepticism transformed into trust, leading them to undergo surrogacy in the UK.

They signed up to Surrogacy UK, a network he praised for its ethical approach to pairing intended parents to surrogates. “When do you see genuine altruism in everyday life? For someone to do something so selfless so that you can have a family, it is just amazing,” he reflected. He admitted that early misconceptions about surrogacy left him concerned about exploitation, he explained: “The whole point for us was to bring a child into the world with love and friendship,” emphasising the importance of Surrogacy UK’s regulations and the empowering agency given to surrogates.

“When we first started, we really wondered whether being a gay male couple would work against us,” Paul confessed, noting a fear that surrogates might prefer helping women experiencing infertility. But those fears were quickly lost. “I challenge anyone to go into a room full of women from Surrogacy UK, who want to be surrogates, and tell them they are being exploited.” Paul noted that the connections they formed with surrogates like Rachel and her husband James felt more like friendships than formal arrangements, a bond that carried through their son Solly’s birth and beyond.

Paul also spoke openly about societal assumptions around LGBTQ+ parenting. Growing up, he thought having a family might be out of reach, he described this as a “mourning process.” But as Solly’s dad, he challenges traditional stereotypes of masculinity in parenting. “When Solly hurts himself, he does not run to the nearest woman; he runs to us, his dads, because we are his safe place.”

Paul described negativity in public spaces as a dad, facing challenges like the lack of changing facilities for babies in men’s bathrooms. “I remember being in a pub and having to knock on the door of the women’s bathroom, saying, ‘I am a man with a baby; I need to come in.’”

Reflecting on early parenthood, Paul highlighted the praise he received for doing everyday parenting tasks, like taking Solly for vaccinations or going on six-months parental leave. “I was called a pioneer or a trailblazer,” said Paul. “But women do these things all the time. If we want true gender equality, we need to challenge these stereotypes about men as caregivers.” Parenting is split 50/50 between Paul and Robin. “As LGBTQ+ families, we can rewrite the rules,” he said. This freedom from traditional gender roles allowed them to create a partnership grounded in equality, something Paul believes more families could embrace.

Paul is vocal about the need for legal reform in UK surrogacy laws. He expressed concerns about the parental order process, which left him and Robin without legal rights to make decisions for Solly until six months after his birth. “If Solly had needed urgent medical treatment, we would have had to wait for permission from Rachel and James, which could have delayed life-saving care,” he explained. Paul supports proposed reforms that would grant legal parenthood to intended parents at birth, provided the surrogate consents and all parties meet counselling, legal and ethical guidelines.

“Solly knows where he came from,” Paul said. “He is aware that an amazing woman helped us, and we will always celebrate that.”

For other LGBTQ+ couples considering surrogacy, Paul shared the importance of celebrating milestones: “A baby born through surrogacy is not the result of a drunken night; it takes a long time… we like to overindulge the celebrations! My advice would be not to look too far ahead and celebrate all the milestones.”

Paul’s experiences during early parenthood inspired him to write The Equal Parent, a book exploring: “The truths behind the falsehoods about parenting roles, and why challenging these myths to achieve parenting equality will benefit all of us: mothers, fathers and, most importantly, our children.”